Just because I survived in life does not mean I’ve “overcome” the trauma. For some time now, I’ve been waiting for the next stage of healing to begin. I’m very happy that the time has come when I can finally see how the pieces fit.
I grew up feeling unsafe everywhere. The violence and humiliation I endured became an intricate pattern in the fabric of my being – the sountrack of ominous tones playing throughout my life until I could no longer hear it.
It doesn’t matter what happened to me or over how long. What matters is how my being became tangled up as a result. Old hurts – especially ones that get blocked out and then triggered back to memory later in life – can drift in a person’s field for an entire lifetime without being healed.
After a certain point in my transformation, the energies that cannot coexist with the light were dumped into the cells of the physical body all at once. We can only heal through the body, but usually energies gradually flow to be processed by the physical circuitry. In my case, the energies just crashed into the body. This is why it is helpful to become enlightened after most of the major healing work is done.
Finally, after this weekend, I could locate the energy of the past trauma. This is a good sign because it means that it is ready to be released. I could finally feel it running through the body without feeling like it is a part of the body. It was foreign to me and, thus, palpable and visible.
I could see how I’ve lived most of my life as if I were in the midst of battle – studying martial arts, feeling like I was unsafe, and never letting my guard down. I honed a projection of “Don’t fuck with me” that radiated anytime I perceived a threat. I was caught in a loop of never wanting to feel helpless and humiliated again. So I donned a battle armor that literally fused with my skin. I kept up the fight even after the events that started my war were over.
When friends hear about the my life, they tell me that I endured more than anyone they know. They say I am a survivor, I am strong, and I have achieved so much despite many obstacles. But, surviving is not the same as healing. I am grateful that my finely crafted battle armor is now detached from my body. It will burn up now in the fires of life and I gladly let it go.
Trauma was hard to accept for me because, where I came from, people died if they were weak. Accepting trauma seemed like the exact opposite to being a warrior or a soldier. However, I learned that surrender to integrating our experiences is far from weakness – in fact, trapped energy is released in that process to provide strength, just like atoms release energy during fusion.
Life stressors would trigger and amplify my latent trauma, and I would gradually start crumbling under the pressure to continue functioning. This was cyclical throughout my life. Even after transformation, I would often feel drained and experienced chronic physical pain – while simultaneously laughing and supporting others. I was a walking paradox. Enlightenment can only heal so much. The rest must be done by working directly with the physical body.
I am in the midst of the healing process now. Unlike in the past, I am comfortable walking alone. I know that no one can really help me heal – I will help myself by energetically reliving what I tried to forget. I am no longer afraid of feeling that helplessness.
Life has many processes going on at different scales and planes of existence. I imagine these as a multitude of clocks running at different rates in a clock-maker’s shop. But “Time heals all” is not quite true. Death is an altogether different practice that helps us to integrate and heal, but this process occurs out of time. Sleep also heals and so does nature. Sometimes even a change of location can be healing. Among these, the body itself is the most intense crucible that untangles stagnation. We heal the body, and the body also heals us. However, the body must be allowed to heal us, and we often we resist what the body naturally wants to do – restore us to our innocence.