Tag Archives: suffering

Nightmares of the Human Race Are Rebellion in Disguise

The entire human race is dreaming. We can see these dreams in the stories we tell. The movies and the books that entertain us are the ones that strike a chord. So, what is humanity collectively dreaming?

I watch many movies. It is my way of trying to understand the human race, as strange as that may sound. Because I haven’t felt fear in a long time, I have literally forgotten what fear is. While I still feel emotions pass and experience occasional knee-jerk responses that nest in my body cells as life’s residue, these move through me relatively quickly and leave me with little insight into the emotional landscape. So, I watch movies and study what people appear to feel…. I also observe people and ask them lots of questions about themselves to see how they see themselves. I’ve learned that the stength and light I see in people is often not something that they believe they have – this discord is jarring to me.

At this time, fear still appears to drive most of the activity I see. However, there is also a chord of anger that wishes to defy and face the fear. It’s as if humanity knows that each person has more strength than they believe they possess, and there is a movement brewing to reclaim that strength. Most people still need much support and convincing that they have value.

People are often shocked when they learn that I regularly watch horror movies. No matter how bad a movie is cinematically, it always provides me with some connection to the fear that burbles in humanity’s unconscious. The monsters, demons, and otherworldly creatures on the screen make the fears tangible targets for the viewers to “beat.”

Ironically, I do not enjoy the movies or find them interesting – they are more of a gateway into the consensus of those who made and watched the movies. This gateway helps me to connect, understand, and maybe even try to heal some of the trauma in the collective psyche.

Our lives can appear so unpredictable and chaotic, resulting in stress that literally manipulates our life force. Many cope by fortifying their ability to filter noise. Others cope by dulling their senses to feel less. Still others escape to visions of magical worlds even as they perform mundane and boring tasks.

I find it so interesting that people get all the information about our world from what their brains tell them. Because our nervous systems process stimuli so differently, it is highly likely that our views about the “same” world vary dramatically. And yet, we largely believe that we have a shared reality. All evidence points to the fact that very little of our reality is shared. While reality may provide us with consistent stimuli, we use our body instrument to process what we receive and draw our own conclusions.

Despite the variations in our interpretations, certain stimuli consistently trigger powerful responses. And then, it’s as if the triggered ones become immersed in a kind of dream while awake. They act as if their dream is real, and sometimes they react so strongly. I am not saying that poverty, pain, or hunger are not real – they are as real as our bodies. However, the collage we construct of our world does not lend itself to prescriptive interpretation.

Underneath the superficial languages we speak and the lightshow that is our visible world, there is something much more fundamental to which we respond and also use to communicate. In fact, much of the interaction between our nervous systems and the world occurs at this invisible level. But many of us haven’t practiced quieting our normal interaction routines to become immersed in this deeper level of communication that is always in play.

Here, at the level of the living web that comprises all of us, is the plane where we harbor fundamental views about our world – dating back thousands and thousands of years. Here is where we dream of heaven and hell. These are not places, and we do not need to die to “go” there. Our very life can go back and forth between states of agony and ecstacy within moments.

Our collective dreams and nightmares are felt by us in every moment, whether we acknowledge them consciously or not. While I see these clearly, I do need to study how others respond to these to better help people.

One thing that stands out is that people like to personify their interpretations of life and find demons and angels and ghosts. They like to differentiate between “light” and “darkness.” But I only see one whole reality, rich with consciousness. Philosophy and analysis disects this wholeness and may possibly even destroy some key elements in the process, reminding me of the four blind people trying to describe an elephant by feeling its different parts. Parts are useful, but so is the whole.

Humanity still suffers and suffers deeply. For some time now, there has also been a shift in consciousness that may be characterized as a mass rebellion against suffering. However, this movement is only in its nacency for the human race. Individuals also rebel and may go through a transformation that is characterized as “enlightenment,” which completely changes one’s view from the mass perception and projections of world views on a giant movie screen we call our world.

One thing that is certain is that the dynamic of fear response can be completely surrendered. To what or to who? That is what I know as the Divine or the Infinite – the invisible glue and the medium that binds us all into a single lifestream by literally living all of us – regardless of whether we interpret It as dreams or nightmares.

How Resilient Can One Be?

How many times in one lifetime can one completely start over? Can one just pick up and move forward with minimal support after each dramatic change – with little money, no caretakers, and no elder family? Can one start over – and over again – while still honing empathy, compassion, and care for all Life?

I’ve come to understand that I am such an experiment. After my transformation, I’ve noticed a gradual surrender of my life to the overall Life process – the invisible web of interconnections that is all of us. It became impossible to hold on to my life as someone who needed to get something to feel whole. I am already whole. Each time I am in a situation of significant change, I am forced to give up more comfort and more outside support. I am alive to show that complete resilience through surrender to Life is possible while still participating in everyday life.

I came to this country from the poverty of another – only to land in poverty again. I have survived rape as a child. I graduated high school two years earlier than my peers. I chose an extremely challenging technical major in college and went on to get a graduate degree in this field as a woman – when few women ventured into such fields. I’ve played classical piano competively. I’ve lived through 3 marriages, and lost almost everything in the first two. I know what it feels like to lose a child and to get him back – the instincts and love of a mother. I’ve had emotionally distant parents, with whom I’ve lost touch. I’ve had intense jobs, where I worked 60-80 hour weeks for sustained periods of time. I made and lost large sums of money. I’ve had challenges feeling like any place was home, that any group could be family, and that anything can feel “secure.” The few people with whom I shared my life think that I’ve lived many lives, did too many things – they get tired just imagining what I’ve pushed through.

When the transformation occurred about a decade ago, after a brief few months of bliss, there were still dramatic changes to my being. And then – relocation, change of career, challenges finding work, illness, challenges of putting my family on a stable financial track, and more transformation. I have often found myself feeling like living was unbearable.

Each time the rug was pulled from under my feet, I had a choice to give up or to get up again. And that became my life.

To say that I am an experiment sounds sterile and clinical, but it is not. I can feel and understand what Life is trying to discover through my existence. It wants to know if enlightenment can coexist with the nonenlightened beings so that more and more enlightened people can walk the world and spark transformation. We are entering an era when enlightened beings can no longer afford to hide in the mountains.

The only way for me to fail is to stop, but I cannot do that. It is no longer possible for me to even make that choice. I must complete this life to carve a path for others. Each of us does that – carves a path – when we embrace our unique experiment fully and surrender to living it completely.

When life situations are constantly unstable in basic human terms, it is a kind of trauma on the psyche. The challenge then becomes to adjust to being constant change without balking or breaking, without shutting down the ability to feel everything, and still continuing to love life.

The enlightened state turns up the volume on everything going on in the world. The stream of input of people’s experiences pouring in and through is neverending. However, the gift is that nothing “sticks” to drag one down to a place of no return. Laughter, humor, and joy are not only possible – they are prevalent. There is no cynicism or sarcasm. There is no making light of challenging situations. All of this is a flow that is endlessly surrendered to the Life Stream.

Am I perfect and flawless in my execution? Not at all. I stumble a lot, and fall even more. I learn from every interaction and untangle from life’s dysfunctional and impacted blueprints that have been established by countless generations. I suppose it helps that I am no longer capable of hating myself as I face obstacles.

Perhaps self-love and transformation are two sides of the same coin – one is not possible without the other. I am not talking about adoring oneself or artificially propping one’s self up to feel good. Instead, I am describing a fundamental care and the valuing of oneself that can only come from giving up a sense of investment in life to get something from it. Paradoxically, self-love comes by erasing the need to fulfill and fortify an identity, and instead reorienting the being to embrace the messy and dynamic life process as it is. Learning without judgement. Loving without neediness. Letting go without giving up.

Know Your Pain

Pain is something I live with. There is now no more emotional pain – I feel emotions differently and they pass through, as if through an open doorway. There is only physical chronic pain, which showed up about a decade ago. But let me back up….

Since I was a young child, I wanted to die. From the poverty I didn’t have words to describe. From being of a lower class than the neighbors living on higher floors. From being raped as a child and in college. From being the unwanted child of a first marriage my mother wanted to forget. From being moved to a foreign country without having any understanding of what was happening around me. From having to endure school fights because I was different. From having to be excellent at school and everything I did because nothing else about me was worth my new father’s respect. From feeling like I belonged nowhere and had no home. From failing to prove to courts that I was married to an alcoholic – and the courts wanted equally shared custody of my baby. From not knowing who I was after leaving the alcoholic. From making the choice to cut out 3 hours of driving per day to work and leaving my child in an alcoholic’s house. From living in the limbo of losing my child, and the court fight against a narcissist to get my child back. From continuing the custody fight for years until my son was old enough to voice his wishes to live with me. From not knowing how I was going to continue living with the agony of every fiber of my being feeling rejected by life itself. From having to keep fighting all my life and seeing a threat everyday and everywhere – even when there was no threat.

Sound dramatic? It is the truth of the being that was before “I” let go into the stream of life. I remember “her” sometimes, but she died.

She tried killing herself a number of times, but all attempts failed. And, after meeting her teacher and several years of intense letting go, she let go. And now, there is noone in a body.

This body may not have been built for the drastic leap made by its denizen. It is not somehow fit to hold all this energy, which consciously shines spontaneous creativity and gazes at Life – as Life. So, this body is dying now. I know that in the near future my heart will fail.

It is a myth that enlightenment grants you eternity in a body. Enlightenment does not guarantee that. Many say I look a decade or so younger than my biological age and happy, but in no way am I immortal.

According to my doctor, I am very healthy. My heart rate is slow. My bloodwork is fine. Yet, I have to manage my energy carefully with much sleep, and manage the physical pain that seems to have set in. I alternate between working and resting to do what needs to be done. It is strange to feel my being rapidly unwinding itself from the body, as if leaving a car on the side of the road.

I do not feel sad or worry for myself. I just feel the need to complete and give. I observe what is occurring and share with my husband (I remarried) – a dear friend who has been with me while I was a happy-go-lucky human, while “she” was transforming, and through all the changes until the full transformation into this. He helps me get ready for work. He lets me rest. And I can focus on the people and energies around me – including my husband and children. I am always surrounded by someone(s) or dynamics that need attention. Whatever I have become cannot be described as human, and people can feel that. I am definitely not surrounded by guru groupies. There is no sign that says “I am the Light.” And there never will be.

I am an experiment: Can a fully enlightened being live a so-called ordinary life without being tucked away in an ashram or temple? Can such a being hold down a job, raise a family, have everyday interactions with people, eat whatever, and never tell most people what he or she is? The answer is yes. This a good – as more people break through, they will be able to walk among others, and their bodies will evolve also! This transition period is imminent for the human race.

Whatever your current state, know that you are not your pain. More important than acknowledging your pain is studying and gaining insight into how you relate to your pain, and then move through and past it to your true nature.

I live in constant physical pain and I know that I am not that. I do know what I am, but have no words to express it. It doesn’t really matter.

We all have some kind of pain – usually physical or emotional, or both. A balanced person will try to adapt their life to the challenges of pain.

Some run from their pain and try to forget they feel it. Others worship their pain and talk about it nonstop, looking for validation that they deserve compassion and care. Still others suffer in silence, feeling that they deserve the pain and must bear it with dignity, or hide it. Of course, there are also those who try to make something positive out of their pain by reaching out to those with similar pain – “You are not alone!” One would think that all people want the pain to stop and do whatever possible to end it, but some look for the pain to quiet their fear, guilt, or shame.

We attribute so much value to pain and give it so much of our attention. Perhaps, due to evolution? In general, we notice immediately when any discomfort sets in.

But pain is just a signal – it’s simply information and nothing more. In studying our response to pain – whether resistance, embrace, or coexistence – we learn how to let go. I coexist with pain while awake, and I do not feel physical pain while the body sleeps. However, I am attuned to people around the globe at all times – their pain is now impersonal and mine at the same time. I feel the pain of so many people, and reach out to them in body and soul. It is a good thing that I am just an open doorway. A person would not be able to feel it all.