Tag Archives: self love

The Roots of Living

There are cycles to our individual lives. Periodically, we find ourselves in similar situations and confronted with similar challenges. This is just one way the life process gives us feedback about ourselves.

For some people, life is Groundhog Day, where they relive similar scenarios over and over – they struggle through similar dysfunctional relationships, stumble across similar hardships, and make the same choices when a different choice would free them from the loop.

One explanation for repeating experiences is that life is a school and we are here to learn lessons. I don’t subscribe to the “Life is a lesson” paradigm because it results in people overthinking and overjustifying the “grand design” of their life without any real learning. Another possible explanation is that we simply gravitate to situations based on our nature and preferences – until these no longer work for us. Then, our world unravels. Unless we make fundamental changes from within, wherever we go – there we are.

As we flow along the spiral of experience, we take that occasional journey home. No matter how and where life has moved us about, situations come to a head and we return to our roots. Inevitably, something about us is so fundamental that it eludes change. Inevitably, our ability to see what was always there improves. Inevitably, we return home to take a closer look at what can only be described as love – even if we have no words to describe That.

My own journey started in darkness. I had no vision to see anything other than blurred shapes and movement. This is all I knew. My eyes were not blind, but my being was blind. My faculties were undeveloped. So, I imagined that life was just how I saw it. When I couldn’t see, I filled in images and colors that were to my liking. But, all along and despite my maneuvering, life was already beautiful.

One idea seems to permeate the entire world – life is better if we have wealth and the ability to influence others. Influence to do what? To like us and to convince us that we are likable and can control our lives. Some say that the global obsession with wealth and self-absorption is a sign of civilization ending, just like in Egypt or Rome. All around the world, children are dreaming of having lots of money and the power to “get.” Now this power of “getting” is also about escape from reality, which upon a shallow look is extremely boring and unpleasant to so many.

This obsession to overfill on stuff and escape is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness creeping about us – an emptiness that no person or thing seems to be able to fill. What else would there be if we constantly dream of owning what someone else created, waiting to consume as soon as something is produced? No one and no thing can “complete” us, but we continue to try to feed on the creativity of others. When we spiral away from our roots, we forget about the gifts of true relationship – with ourselves and with every thing and being surrounding us.

When we relate superficially and without feeling “presence,” we begin to starve. I listen sometimes to people carrying on about endless mundane details, which they would undoubtedly forget on their deathbeds. There is so much talk everywhere, but it is devoid of spark, creativity, or inspiration.

People endlessly digest “problems,” “bargains,” obsessions, gossip, and plans and events to which they pretend to relate. People market themselves, groom their images, and measure their worth based on one-upsmanship. Half-smiles, drama, and daily minutiae with unmistakable sadness lurking beneath. Words fill spaces and leave no room for connection, reflection, and celebration of life. There is not enough listening and feeling, and mostly our exchanges are lifeless “filling.” Talking is habitual: “How are you?” “Good to see you!” “I’m so busy!” “Look what I bought, and it was such a sale.” So, you bought it – are you still so unhappy that you need others to validate that you just “got” something? Most don’t really care how others are and don’t really even see anyone. We can let go of our programmed chirps and gahs, which we think we are supposed to express around company.

Beneath every facade, I see a person’s roots – their sparkling being. Perhaps they are veiled by their fear, but the shine is there nonetheless. As a person talks, I listen deeply to their being. This act of listening stumps most as unusual. They don’t know or remember that they could listen like this too. The conversation turns to something deeper and more awe-inspiring. If all listened with our being, we would know who we are while in the company of another. We could be at our roots of existence with every gesture, thought, and word.

We don’t have to return to ourselves only when situations fall apart and we have nowhere else to turn – only to reinvent the wheel that there is only love. We are our own home. Ironically, we don’t even ever leave it, despite forgetting and ignoring the tugs to reality’s depths.

Some look at life in terms of gains, losses, and more gains and losses. I don’t see life that way. Instead, I see that life cannot be a pithy quote, a well-crafted goal, or even a dream. Life is just us learning to see and feel ourselves at the root and beyond any fascade of pomp and circumstance. Interestingly, innocence ignites when our roots touch.

So many movies and books exist about people forgetting themselves and being forced to return to the basics of loving. But, what if we remained steady in our being and never left?

Regadless how we get there, it is a gift to return to the core of our being with more refined faculties to embrace ourselves. The more I entwine with uncertainty and not knowing, the more I love myself, my children, and my friends. All I have is my ability to be here and in this body – these are enough to love. And from here, an entirely different image of life replaces all others – there is only light reflecting off the waters and listening deeply to our every undulation. Being in love with being is all I can feel and express.

Atlas Shrugged and Idiocracy

I watched Atlas Shrugged this weekend – a movie based on Ayn Rand’s book. I also watched the movie Idiocracy. As per usual and without conscious planning, there was a theme for me related to these movies – how much does any one being need to give society, or to the “greater good”?

Atlas Shrugged appeared to have a key message: Altruism and charity are OK, as long as these are neither guilted out of nor forced upon an individual. Here, the individual’s rights are primary and no person need feel obligated to society. Those who create or discover, including inventors, artists, philosophers, and scientists, need not feel pressured to offer up their creativity to the “greater good” unless they are fairly compensated in some way. What do you think about that?

Atlas represents the practical creators who prop up the world. If the world forces or manipulates Atlas to continue to support it, Atlas can simply shrug in response. Otherwise, the needy just get needier and the competent would just have to pick up more slack for everyone else. People do get lazy and complacent when they feel that someone else will take care of things. As a high-school teacher, I see this fact clearly with my students.

Idiocracy was about what would happen to the world if all intelligent, creative people were bred out of existence. It’s actually a known fact that cultures placing a high value on education also reproduce less! According to the movie, the world would literally degrade to garbage in this case. In the end, “average Joe” does not save humanity, but does give it a solid kick in the right direction – the “average Joe” is not so helpless after all!

I’ve often pondered how much I can give to others. My tendency was to give everything I had and expect nothing in return. If I had something that others wanted or needed, I would give it away with no consideration for myself.

Eventually, I realized that I would die if I kept that up – I was constantly tired, became ill, and generally started to fade from life. It was a wakeup call for me to realize that if I did die, the very people to whom I gave would not care much or at all. That didn’t feel right – was I really expendable?

In everyday-life terms, I always had a job and was able to solely support my family on my income for nearly a decade. Many assumed that I was built to do, accomplish, and ensure everyone was taken care of. In addition, I had this deepseated wish to help others in need and provided emotional strength and support to anyone who crossed my path.

It was my difficult lesson to begin to accept that, just because I could do something didn’t mean that I always need to do it. It even began to feel wrong to want to take away people’s suffering because, on a deeper level, I was taking away something they needed to grow.

I willingly took responsibility for anything and everything I could, incorrectly thinking that this was the right way to live my life. But, I was wrong. I chose too quickly to sacrifice myself until it became impossible for me to continue. I had to learn when to help and when to step aside and let others take responsibility.

The wisdom required to discern when it is correct to help is much more profound, as it turns out, than Ayn Rand’s thesis. After all, almost all of us have unresolved karma and obligations from this and other lives. At times, we are rightfully in the position to give more than we receive. However, when balance is achieved, it is utterly wrong to continue giving.

Similarly, wisdom is necessary to discern when to receive from someone. When someone may appear to be giving, they can actually be giving mostly resentment and guilt – which does not serve anyone. In fact, such giving is actually a form of further taking.

The intention behind giving is more important than the superficial act. I’ve had people in my life go through the motions of giving, but in reality just unloading their resentment onto me for whatever reasons their perception concocted. I had to learn when it was necessary to refuse such “gifts.”

There can be an entire teaching around the art and science of giving and receiving! This is the dynamic at the core of human relationships.

Unfortunately, it took me becoming completely drained and exhausted before I learned my lesson. Interestingly, I also became more attuned to situations where it was undoubtedly still OK to give to others and I would not be drained.

In my case, I often had to reach a point of great discomfort before I realized I needed to make a change. I guess I am a bit dense. Now, the pendulum has swung the other way and I enjoy my much-needed solitude. It is my time to recouperate and to undo some of the damage from overserving. My body is very tired and barely functions – I did that to myself and I take full responsibility for allowing this to happen. Fortunately, I may have caught this in time and now just wait for old karmic connections to be severed.

The Mahabharata talks about one’s duty – the kind we develop over lifetimes and for which we must take responsibility. If we do this, life is clean, free from imbalance, self-loving, and appropriately giving to others. It took waking up to the value of my own life to recognize the reality of the need for balance.

In practice, it is not necessarily good to serve everyone we meet. Also, the “greater good” is much more subtle than people having all their needs met. The bigger picture is much more nuanced, where telling someone off may very well be serving the greater good.

I had to learn this using my own life and body as sounding boards. It never ceases to amaze me how our bodies are such sophisticated devices for intuiting the correct response or actions. The more we listen to our intuition, the easier it becomes to hear.

I am OK shrugging now when there are cries for help. My life has as much value as I see in the lives of others, which is significant. It’s important to know, without any illusions, when we don’t owe someone a single thing.

How Resilient Can One Be?

How many times in one lifetime can one completely start over? Can one just pick up and move forward with minimal support after each dramatic change – with little money, no caretakers, and no elder family? Can one start over – and over again – while still honing empathy, compassion, and care for all Life?

I’ve come to understand that I am such an experiment. After my transformation, I’ve noticed a gradual surrender of my life to the overall Life process – the invisible web of interconnections that is all of us. It became impossible to hold on to my life as someone who needed to get something to feel whole. I am already whole. Each time I am in a situation of significant change, I am forced to give up more comfort and more outside support. I am alive to show that complete resilience through surrender to Life is possible while still participating in everyday life.

I came to this country from the poverty of another – only to land in poverty again. I have survived rape as a child. I graduated high school two years earlier than my peers. I chose an extremely challenging technical major in college and went on to get a graduate degree in this field as a woman – when few women ventured into such fields. I’ve played classical piano competively. I’ve lived through 3 marriages, and lost almost everything in the first two. I know what it feels like to lose a child and to get him back – the instincts and love of a mother. I’ve had emotionally distant parents, with whom I’ve lost touch. I’ve had intense jobs, where I worked 60-80 hour weeks for sustained periods of time. I made and lost large sums of money. I’ve had challenges feeling like any place was home, that any group could be family, and that anything can feel “secure.” The few people with whom I shared my life think that I’ve lived many lives, did too many things – they get tired just imagining what I’ve pushed through.

When the transformation occurred about a decade ago, after a brief few months of bliss, there were still dramatic changes to my being. And then – relocation, change of career, challenges finding work, illness, challenges of putting my family on a stable financial track, and more transformation. I have often found myself feeling like living was unbearable.

Each time the rug was pulled from under my feet, I had a choice to give up or to get up again. And that became my life.

To say that I am an experiment sounds sterile and clinical, but it is not. I can feel and understand what Life is trying to discover through my existence. It wants to know if enlightenment can coexist with the nonenlightened beings so that more and more enlightened people can walk the world and spark transformation. We are entering an era when enlightened beings can no longer afford to hide in the mountains.

The only way for me to fail is to stop, but I cannot do that. It is no longer possible for me to even make that choice. I must complete this life to carve a path for others. Each of us does that – carves a path – when we embrace our unique experiment fully and surrender to living it completely.

When life situations are constantly unstable in basic human terms, it is a kind of trauma on the psyche. The challenge then becomes to adjust to being constant change without balking or breaking, without shutting down the ability to feel everything, and still continuing to love life.

The enlightened state turns up the volume on everything going on in the world. The stream of input of people’s experiences pouring in and through is neverending. However, the gift is that nothing “sticks” to drag one down to a place of no return. Laughter, humor, and joy are not only possible – they are prevalent. There is no cynicism or sarcasm. There is no making light of challenging situations. All of this is a flow that is endlessly surrendered to the Life Stream.

Am I perfect and flawless in my execution? Not at all. I stumble a lot, and fall even more. I learn from every interaction and untangle from life’s dysfunctional and impacted blueprints that have been established by countless generations. I suppose it helps that I am no longer capable of hating myself as I face obstacles.

Perhaps self-love and transformation are two sides of the same coin – one is not possible without the other. I am not talking about adoring oneself or artificially propping one’s self up to feel good. Instead, I am describing a fundamental care and the valuing of oneself that can only come from giving up a sense of investment in life to get something from it. Paradoxically, self-love comes by erasing the need to fulfill and fortify an identity, and instead reorienting the being to embrace the messy and dynamic life process as it is. Learning without judgement. Loving without neediness. Letting go without giving up.