Tag Archives: enlightenment

PTSD and Rebuilding My Body-Mind

How can enlightenment and a condition like PTSD coexist? One can be enlightened within a fractured body-mind that needs healing. Some of us will go through the awakening process even after profound trauma had occurred. Not all of us will come from healthy childhoods with nurturing and supportive parents. Not all of us will have been safe as children or even as adults.

I have been studying PTSD ever since my recent diagnosis. I have learned that wanting isolation, irritability, anxiety, avoiding intimacy, work obsession, and constant triggers are all typical of the PTSD condition. During stressors, it is natural to start seeing and living life through a lens of the past.

I have become very aware of my flashbacks in a short period of time. Flashbacks are like film loops that replay the traumatic experience and feel as if they are happening now. Flashbacks also replay the feelings of those past moments (panick, dissociation, pain, or humiliation) as if the trauma is happening now. I learned to untangle these feelings from what is currently going on, which was not easy – flashbacks feel completely blended with the body-mind experience of the present. I draw upon the light to see what It will do with these film loops.

Ever since more of my past memories flooded in several weeks ago, I’ve been bombarded with sights, smells, textures, and feeling of my trauma as if it is happening to me in the present. All of this information is stored in the bioprocess of my body-mind. I must separate from these memories and old energies, and then allow my body-mind to rebuild from scratch. It is clear that all of this is ready to be healed.

This week, I learned that I lost my job due to budget cuts – I was the newest and the first to go. Also, they eliminated the course I was teaching and there wasn’t anything else for me to teach because they have more senior physics teachers. This was another blow to my already-tenuous situation of going through a divorce and trying to finance my son’s college and dealing with PTSD. I realized I was going through a great deal of grieving for my life changes. Trying to unravel trauma and grieving is not easy.

This weekend, I allowed myself to shut down for two days. I entered my grief and trauma and was literally paralyzed by all of it. I felt only intense pain and almost no other brain activity.

By the end of the second day, I felt the light flood my brain and my body felt more alive. There was a feeling of happiness and compassion toward myself. I know that many trauma survivors have difficulty feeling love and compassion toward themselves, and – instead – feel ashamed and worthless. Although my past wrecked my life, so to speak, I understood that this is the hand I was dealt and I have to play it. Accepting my state is not a small thing – it is not easy to go from being successful and functioning to having to completely rebuild oneself from ashes.

How quickly will I heal? What does all of this mean for my ability to function in the world while I heal? I have a solid support system consisting of friends, doctors, therapists, and other people who have had trauma. I have my two boys who look up to me and call on me to be strong. I try to be. I am grateful.

So much of my life makes sense to me now. I can clearly see which triggers caused me to be defensive and offensive in the past – I was stuck in my film loops of imminent danger (even if there was none) and pain, and my anger was the only way to bypass deep depression. I was not always successful and often relived the terror of a small child which felt like I was dying. One of my biggest triggers was the pressure I felt to take care of others while reliving my trauma and feeling like I was going to completely fall apart. Of course, I didn’t really understand this at the time.

It is normal for PTSD people to lose relationships, isolate from people, be reactive, and become paralyzed by flashbacks. This is my body-mind at this time. I know that this is not who I really am, but it is my responsibility to do the work to heal and rebuild my vehicle for optimum expression. It is strange to be “in it” and also observing and studying it as if I am “outside of it.” I am both a participant and an observer.

Of course, I will be doing the work alone. All such deep healing work must ultimately be done without any safety nets to muddy the waters of personal responsibility. I didn’t come to Earth for comforts and props. I came here to embody the light. At this time, most people are interested in finding soulmates and building a sense of belonging or seeking status and belongings. While there is nothing wrong with that, it is not the only way to be alive. Some of us will grieve our lifetimes of relating to the Earth-plane as pleasure-seekers, and then choose the fires of purification and freedom. If you are such a being, please leave a comment and share your story. I’d love to hear from you.

When Going Through Stuff

I haven’t written much of late. Not because I’ve had nothing to say, but because I’ve had too much to say – incoherent, disorganized thoughts and feelings, bouncing around like fire flies in the dark. The light is relentless when it comes to healing. Once the light is in charge, it has the power to dislodge one completely from impacted existence and pave new roads at the same time as one walks.

I am at the part of my journey where a confluence of events with roots in trauma and drama have come to fruition. I’ve written many times that enlightenment is a beginning of putting together the unique puzzle that is our life and discarding useless ills and hurts barraging our subconscious. So much awareness building had already occurred.

For the past six months, I’ve been reliving childhood trauma that I mostly repressed. Officially, I have a diagnosis of CPTSD that has impacted my life even long after the trauma was over.

I thought I had a good handle on my past until I visited closely with my stuffed memories now coming to the surface daily. Last week, I cried for the first time in months – releasing and releasing pain, shame, images, and felling flashbacks. I forced myself to talk about what happened to me in detail. Something I never dared do. PTSD changes brain chemistry. CPTSD is more damaging as it is the result of prolongued trauma.

I used to think that isolating myself was undesirable. That’s what everyone says, anyway. Now I see the wisdom of distancing myself from everyone who can’t or won’t understand and, most importantly, accept. I’ve learned that only those in the same boat can row it in sync. Those who don’t know trauma can only intellectually grasp what it may mean.

Now, I see that isolation can be healing – a time to take care of myself and my children. I don’t have to explain anything to deaf ears or rationalize “why” to those who can’t grasp. But, I can give myself what I need to get through this at the pace I can handle.

For most of my life, I over-functioned. I did a lot of things. In some cases, made a lot of money. It’s only my 10th year after enlightenment, and I learned from my teacher that it takes about 10 years or so to clear the body-mind of debris. Well, here I am now, digging at the roots that bound me. It may take me longer given my beginnings.

It’s so obvious now how many moments I lived through the lens of flashbacks. It took me time to learn to distinguish flashbacks from in-the-moment responses. This was the most difficult breakthrough. After that, most events in my life fell into place. I understand myself better than ever. I understand why I have been gradually falling apart physically in the past 6 years – because I was trying to hold back the dam of trauma from engulfing my life, even as the pressure built.

During these months, dear friends reached out and extended help to me, which I never expected. It was an awakening for me that I was not really “on my own.” I do have people who love me sincerely. Even as my biological family is long gone, there are those who give of themselves and care.

I am grateful that the light cleared all people from my life who have and would continue to hold me back from moving forward. In some ways, it feels like starting from scratch. A new lens on life, free from cloudy vision, tends to turn everything on its head and signal a new beginning.

I’ve healed many things already – for me, there was a lot. I trust that I will heal this too, even if it does seem sometimes like the flashbacks – visual and emotional – will never go away. Once the brain chemistry kicks in, I can control reliving painful moments or watching them from the side (as if they were happening to someone else).

Enlightenment is just a reset button for identifying with only the Divine. The body-mind then has no choice but to align to that energy even it feels like being torn apart at the seams.

I keep being told that what happened to me was not my fault. I know it wasn’t. But it did leave me broken. When I was falling apart and reached out to the people closest to me, telling them that something was wrong and I was unraveling, they turned away from me.

I am OK with the fact that I was broken and damaged. It’s facts. I am OK that those closest to me didn’t hear my cries for help when I was drowning in the loops of reliving my experiences. But I think the worst is over. The purge that was needed is almost complete.

My teacher used to say that it’s important to heal before enlightenment, because after is very intense – the light just does what it does and not necessarily what we can handle. I drew the after straw. I am at the point where ecstacy and pain can coexist to eventually work themselves out.

I wrote this to say that perfection does not exist. Enlightenment is a process, just like the body-mind. Once the light is engaged, one must hand over life completely to it.

Is Science Inferior to Spirituality

I was reading a book about spirituality, and the author went on a tangent about how science is inferior to spirituality. The arguments that followed in favor of this claim were written by someone who clearly has no training or understanding in science. To someone who has an advanced degree in physics, the book’s discussion was cringeworthy. Although most high-school textbooks discuss science that is over 200 years old, modern science has grown exponentially in its discoveries. There’s much more fact now, which previously was fiction.

All disciplines are based on the kinds of questions they ask and the limitations within which the questions can be answered. For example, chemistry, physics, biology, and philosophy ask somewhat different questions. A good question inspires the mind to extend beyond its understanding. A great question stirs something beyond the mind – a passion and curiousity that cannot be fulfilled by the mental, analytical circuit.

Science asks questions that can be answered objectively by anyone – independent of the person. However, answers to spiritual questions are very much dependent on the person answering them and there is currently no way to objectively verify whether that person has any understanding – here, the human bodymind, the nervous system, is the measuring instrument. Thus, spirituality is a description and study of human perception. Spirituality is currently personal for this reason – there is no way to “prove” anything except to feel it for oneself.

Spirituality becomes more interesting when different people document similar perceptions and understandings, which raises more questions than provides answers. I love studying the writings of sages and yogis and compare them.

In everyday language, a theory means a guess. In scientific language, a theory is a model of reality that is well supported by a body of experimental evidence. Scientists often try to reproduce experiments already done to see if they get the same or different results. The bar is high to becoming a “theory” in science. A mere guess in scientific circles is called a hypothesis.

I often see headlines like “Scientists now believe…”. Scientists don’t “believe” anything. Instead, they design careful experiments to measure and see. This is why scientists don’t ask questions that cannot be answered objectively, such as “Why did the universe come into being?” Or “Is there God?” Because these questions cannot be “measured,” they are not scientific. That’s not being inferior. That’s knowing one’s limitations.

The question is – Is there anything we can know beyond objective reality (that we can all agree on)? Here, we enter the realm of human perception. However, people have experiences and treat them as if they are truth. People use their experiences to claim some status without having any benchmarks for the validity of their claims. Others believe them at their word (or charisma) and don’t even want proof. “My gut tells me…” Your gut may not have the honed perception and discernment to tell…. Thus, spirituality is full of half-baked claims spoken as truths – and many don’t care because the claims make them feel good.

Feeling good and feeling God are not necessarily the same thing.

The subjective nature of spirituality will continue to prevail. People will continue to make claims. And many will continue to believe without trying to replicate these claims for themselves. It presents an interesting dilemma. But, science and spirituality were never incompatible.

Spiritual people talk about eliminating doubt. I think that’s poor judgement. If the doubt is based on genuine curiosity and not some deepseated insecurity, this doubt is valuable to being able to study and understand one’s state. Doubt of this kind makes introspection possible.

It would be useful to present objective proof for someone being enlightened vs. another person being unenlightened. Such proof could put many charlatans in their place.

Ancient yogis were very scientific about the observations of their states to try to better understand what they have become. I also study my state because I’m curious – it is not enough for me to live and be lost in it.

And after saying all this, I’ll make several hypotheses about being human (but definitely not stated in scientific terms):

  • There are advanced states of perception that make one feel happy and peaceful at the core of being.
  • The advanced state changes the nervous system in a consistent, predictable way.
  • The advanced state is common to (shared by) others in the same state.
  • Advanced states open gates to different modes of perception that are currently called “worlds” or “planes of existence.”
  • It will eventually be possible to objectively test for someone being in an advanced state.
  • An enlightened being can 100% of the time tell whether someone else is or is not enlightened.
  • The methods used and a person’s readiness to attain advanced states all have key things in common.

Should you believe my claims as fact? Of course not. But as more people become enlightened and the time becomes right, there will be a richer understanding of what it all means. I trust in people’s curiosity and interest to become more observant of our human potential and how to practically apply it in life.

I will continue to study, try, test, and retest to better understand what has occurred with me, but I won’t accept subservient acquiescence of others to half-assed claims. Nor will I quietly stand by when people misrepresent and denegrade the scientific method. Those who do should stop taking medications, cease seeing doctors, and throw away all their technologies – get rid of everything that science and engineering has given them by its meticulous studies. Perhaps they can also learn some actual science before arguing about it or distorting what it is.

As for spirituality, as long as the only instrument is one’s perception, it will remain a personal journey. One other snag is that spiritual questions go way beyond the limits of the mind.

Surrender

I wanted to write about what seems to me is the most important spiritual practice – surrender. Although the word is used to imply “giving up” or “giving in,” I use it differently in the context of the journey toward union with the Divine.

Surrender is the opposite of holding on to a lack of authenticity. It is the opposite of gripping tightly to personal, religious, and cultural biases. Surrender is a process of letting go into something greater than the one or the many, while retaining a sense of “I”-presence.

Muscles grip tightly in a stressed body – they ache and cause discomfort. Relaxing muscles surrenders the pain. It feels so good to let go into a more expansive feeling than to hold onto tension. Spiritual surrender is very similar.

One sage has termed the ego as “a constricted self.” People get used to discomfort and find new thresholds of tolerance. However, when the pain is relieved, there is a sense of “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” Or “I didn’t know such a feeling was possible!”

Letting go of tension and stress of being alive is a relief. The expanded awareness that is free of minutiae is a gift. Our presence becomes holy when we surrender to that holiness and release the chains that bind us.

Those who felt chronic pain know that this feeling changes your outlook on life. It is only in the past few years that I am finally free of this pain. Until that point, I needed to consciously practice moving my attention to release the physical tension that resulted from being in pain. Today I remembered that I had been surrendering that pain to the light – not to be “taken away,” but to be transformed.

There is no “taking away” in this life. Nothing really gets taken away, in the greater sense. Things just get rearranged, recirculated, and possibly elevated. When I leave this world, I want to leave it slightly better as a result of being here. “Better” means to me free-er from illusion, more awake, less bogged down in habitual patterns of relating to life.

My students at school often act unmotivated, uncurious, angry, and disinterested. I tell them that this behavior is not original. Most people are doing that. It’s basic and been done before – over and over. Something about being here – probably lack of development and fear – causes most to sleepwalk from one task to the next, from one distraction to another, from one satisfied craving to another craving. All of it has been endlessly repeated. There is no wish to surrender in such living, but hoarding of absolutely everything becomes the norm – including a negative outlook on life.

A woman told me about some events in her life and then added: “I just give it all up to God.” In truth, she was holding on to all of it and repeating a mantra – probably from her childhood. She looked angry and with tears just beneath the surface. That is not surrender. She said “If you want my advice…” I stopped her and responded that I didn’t want any advice and that I wished her well. This is true for most of us – advice is useless. We all want to discover for ourselves where our lives will lead us.

People say that older people come with “more baggage,” which is mostly true. However, it is possible to live life such that most baggage is unloaded with age – and way before being too frail to move about. Life challenges us to see beyond the things we grip tightly and to feel freedom in any situation – not because we are ignorant or naive, but because we choose to surrender our very being into our source.

The action of surrender is far from doing nothing. Perhaps, it is the most challenging spiritual act that is also hidden from public view. There is an internal battle that takes place, which requires utmost courage to see oneself with fresh eyes and examine one’s life from a new perspective. We can always choose to keep doing what we already do. Perhaps, we will flower and open to new ways to relate to what is already here.

When I am uncomfortable, I put my attention on the light and let go into That. I pay attention to what comes “with me,” and release what stays behind.

Fearless people are the most frightening of all to those prone to fear. The fearless go through life without clinging to what didn’t go their way. I guess that can seem pretty scary to many who bow to feeling afraid.

Perhaps the greatest challenge in my life has been learning to deal with uncertainty. I’ve been through a series of life-changing circumstances that left me feeling that there is nothing to hang onto. When life got pulled out from my feet over and over, I saw surrender as the only door open. I was lucky to be nudged in this direction. Although I’ve had intuition about the results of my key decisions, I made my decisions anyway. I know I am responsible for my life. Now I know that the past “me” was incapable of choosing differently, and that realizing this is growth I may not have had if I didn’t go through my experiences as I did. I surrender all of this too.

My ongoing meditation is my relationship to the light and all that is manifested here. When I leave, I hope to be completely innocent – free from undercurrent biases and deeply-ingrained patterns. This is my prayer – to surrender to the degree that I am innocent throughout my body and mind. Here innocent means free, and not the opposite of guilty.

My children will grow up, friends will come and go, and money will ebb and flow. Through it all, I will surrender. We transitioned from generation X to generation Z – it’s only fitting that the next one will restart the cycle at generation A. And through this too, I will surrender.

Surrender is ongoing for those who bring baggage into the enlightened state. It is a core practice that can be done anywhere and at any time – no candles or incense or crystals are required. It is a practice until it become automatic.

Surrender can be a natural part of daily rhythm to free us from the emotions, thoughts, and stuff we no longer need – no matter how deeply buried in the unconscious and bonded to our being. That of which we can let go is not who we are.

Ego-“I” Confusion

Enlightenment means dissolving the egoic and personal sense of “I.” After enlightenment, someone is clearly still there to interact with the world and be aware. Who is that?

The “I” after enlightenment has a different root than the “I” before enlightenment. Whereas the ego personality is rooted in the vantage point bracketed by boundaries of the body and mind, the post-enlightened “I” is rooted in the Divine catalizing the body-mind. While both types of “I” are able to relate to the world, the quality of their awareness is very different.

The greatest distinction between the “I” of the self and the cosmic “I” is the lack of suffering in the latter. Because there is a source of connection throughout the web of life, there is no clinging to discomfort of situations. The cosmic “I” can smile and laugh through various life circumstances even when it has no control, but the personal “I” will collapse, cry, mope, and tend toward further separation from life.

After the opening occurs, the connection is made – a being is enlightened. However, there are degrees to how much of that light is integrated by the body-mind. My teacher taught me this and, recently, I found this idea experessed by SantanaGamana in Turiya: The God State. I had never heard of the author, but most of the book resonates with my own awakening – even though I did not practice Kriya Yoga. While the title of the book may sound quite grandiose, the contents are fairly simply and humbly stated.

My own integration and expression has been ongoing: post-enlightenment requires much clarification, releasing, and rewiring. Although it takes more time to heal impacted traumas, they do heal. It’s as if the entire being becomes engaged and involved in healing on an ongoing basis and has endless motivation to do so.

I vaguely recall days when I would be down on myself and others, wallowing and passive. Now, the healing process does not stop and is almost on autopilot. The only thing healing demands now is silence and solitude, when I am free to just let the body-mind be and attend to the Divine currents doing their work. Major life realignments have been in progress for years and I have stopped wondering when they will be complete. I think it is different for different people how long it takes to clarify the being enough for optimum expression of the Divine. Only enough is needed, and perfection is neither required nor possible. I haven’t encountered any books that go into detail about the work that must happen after enlightenment…. Perhaps they are not needed yet?

Despite sounding paradoxical, some personality quirks are retained after enlightenment because these enable us to uniquely express what we are integrating and sharing. There may be a misconception that enlightened beings are perfect, whatever that subjective concept means to any given individual. In reality, the purpose (if there is such a thing) of any being is to first strengthen the personal Ego, and then to allow it to die in the cosmic and Divine “I” – and be awake and functioning fully in life throughout.

While there are states where all sense of “I” dissolves completely, these are not ideal for expressing the Divine in the world and engaging our life’s work – we would just want to lay down and be blissed out all of the time. The cosmic “I” is the bridge between the formless and all form – and it is not the personal ego. Beyond the cosmic “I” is simply complete union.

Occasional “I” dissolution in the highest state only increases the quality and coherence of our immersion in life when we “return” to everyday living. Now, we have more to bring “back” to our daily expression – deeper understanding, greater inspiration, and a more beautiful display of surrender.

Since the beginning, my blog had been about diving deeper into life and not drifting to a distant mountain to meditate 24-7. Not only is isolated meditation unnecessary in these times, it runs counter to the very process of being alive – which requires our awake participation to help support the life process unfolding.

Back to Basics

As always, my weekend started with a theme. Weekends are my time to regroup and learn something new. This weekend began with me butchering lyrics to the song “Major Tom”:

Ground control to Major Tom

Your radio ain’t working well at all

Been trying to let your know

That you’re floating into a black hole…

Can you hear me major Tom? 2x

I always felt like Major Tom – floating in a tin can, far far away. But then, while grading papers, I decided to watch “The Magic of Solomon” on Amazon Prime. While I never got into ceremonial magic, I was curious to see real footage of ceremonies – what were these people actually trying to accomplish? That’s a whole other blog….

As I lay down for the night, I googled something about magic and stumbled on a blog by Sophie Reicher. I’d never heard of her before, but her blog was pretty interesting. I found myself nodding to most of what she wrote about students not understanding that they have to heal and transform themselves to transform. Most people don’t get that they need to be disciplined and solid in the basics before tackling advanced maneuvers. Otherwise, ignorance begets ignorance.

After reading Sophie’s blog, I bought her book and started reading that: “Spiritual Protection.” I had learned about grounding and centering before, but – while reading – it occurred to me that the “basics” seem very different after I had dipped into the more nuanced pools.

My body had reconfigured so much, but I had never gone back to revisit what grounding and centering means for me now. I have been feeling sick for so long that it never occurred to me to reconsider my connection to the Earth plane, to study how breathing (Pranayam) affects my energy flow, or to balance the distribution of my energy across the various planes of existence. Because the light anchors me in permanent happiness, I never “suffer” my condition. However, that doesn’t mean I necessarily need to be in a state of discomfort.

Much of what Sophie writes about does not apply to me specifically. For example, I cannot draw energy from the Earth because my current has reversed a decade ago – I can only receive the light as it breathes me, and otherwise I shine. Also, I don’t need to “ground” myself in various “worlds” by dropping cords there – she talked about planes of existence based on Nordic cosmology, but I got where she was going. It also makes no sense to “clean” my chakras – especially since my root chakra and the ones just above have merged into the heart several years ago – like the string of Christmas lights was pulled up and twirled into new knots.

So, what did I learn? A lot. Essentially, I need to intensify my study of what are my basics. So much had changed so quickly that I forgot to consciously revisit what it means for me to exist. I do need to ground, center, and balance my energy – even if the specifics are somewhat different than what people typically teach. I have to discover what that means for me now, at this point in my evolution.

There is a false assumption that enlightenment is like a “set it and forget it” switch – once you crack open, you are on automatic. Well, certainly you are on automatic, but relationship to everything else is still diligent, required work. That was my wake-up call to restore my own basic understanding of what it means for me to be alive and how I can do it in a more healthy way while existing across worlds simultaneously.

I have known that this is my life’s work. However, I wasn’t sure how to approach it. Now, without a teacher, it is a lot more challenging to figure stuff out and takes longer. I think people who knock having a respectable teacher just crave taking lifetimes to learn. I prefer to use my lifetime to its fullest. If a teacher came along for me, I would study with him or her in a heartbeat. Although, I do not see this happening.

Sometimes we are left on our own to go in an untraveled direction. I do not see what I have learned written down in books or discussed online. There are at least two people to whom I will pass on what I learned, and I know that their challenge would be to evolve that knowledge even further with only their creative inspiration as a guide.

These two people will also hit this wall – what will be “basics” to them as they morph beyond recognition?

Coming to Terms with Authenticity

Who we think we are is not always in alignment with how we present ourselves. The discord between our self-perception and the feedback we get can be jarring.

I don’t write to give advice. I just share my experience – that is really all any of us can do. For over 30 years of my life, I imagined myself as being different than what I really was.

I remember wanting to be someone kind and gentle who looked like a supermodel and spent every second of life “saving the world.” However, the feedback that I got from the world was that I was obsessive, blunt, and generally too intense to be around. I had the persona of someone who always wanted to be right and to have all the answers. I also had a self-righteous streak and couldn’t just let people be to do their thing – I wanted to “fix” them too.

I always joke with my students that we are all students at the “School of Hard Knocks” – with free tuition and universal enrollment. Life is constantly giving feedback about what any of us actually project despite our self-views.

After years of listening to life and letting go, it’s now easy to accept myself the way I am. That’s been a difficult journey, for sure. I am still pretty intense, but lost my obsessiveness somewhere. Rather, now I care about some things and couldn’t care less about others. Generally, I value people’s abilities to experience their lives the way they want to and don’t look to “fix” them or much of anything else.

While being sweet and nice sounds good in theory, it has never worked for me. As a high-school teacher, I deal with nearly 150 students daily – many of whom don’t want to learn anything. I also have kids at home, who occasionally throw attitude my way. To deal with people’s obstacles, I tend to throw flames in their direction. Despite the intensity, my classroom is always full of kids – even during my “off” periods. Students tell me that they are terrified of me and also feel that I am kind and “hilarious.” That’s feedback. Perhaps not how I imagined myself being, but that’s what I am.

It was hard for me to go through the time of incongruency between what I wanted to become and what I actually was. I no longer wrestle with myself. I do have a gauge for when I have less patience with people and their drama, and I isolate myself until my patience returns. It’s become obvious that I need a lot of time to myself and I take those signals seriously.

As a child, a psychic told me that I would have two blonde boys. This came to pass. That psychic also told me I would not have lasting marriages. I know it sounds odd that I talked to a psychic as a kid, but that’s not so abnormal for Russians.

My kids are a very important part of my life – I naturally want to make them strong and independent, but I am also sensitive to their emotionsl needs and help them deal with stuff as it comes up.

As for having a partner, I don’t even think about it now. In fact, my prior marriages feel like they happened to someone else and not to me. “I” was never married. Maybe I somehow traversed time lines into a different reality….

It may be interesting for some that we live in multiple realities simultaneously, and having somewhat different experiences in parallel. It’s not uncommon for our attention to refocus across these realities into another “version” of ourselves. Unfortunately, this idea is not well captured in movies – we don’t need physical portals to travel across timelines and only our “attention” shifts to a different possibility. Occasionally, our dreams can be bleedthroughs from other realities – especially recurring dreams.

I jumped timelines about a year ago into this one. It wasn’t a conscious jump. It was just life taking me here. This is where I will unify all my other existences and complete my karma. The wisdom of the jump is obvious.

Would it make sense to willfully jump across timelines? My sense is probably not. However, we can expand our awareness to heal ourselves in all our existences. It may be beneficial to meditate on the root of ourselves that sprouted into different realities – many very foreign to our current imaginations. There is something to be said for achieving congruency of who we are and merging all of ourselves into a unified consciousness.

Living simultaneously in different “realities” is another layer of complexity to rebirth and having had past lives. Knowing or living this is not necessary for our individual and collective evolution, and most will gloss over what I describe here as either a “cool idea” or just imagination.

It may sound like insanity to live with conscious awareness of past and parallel existences. One existence is challenging enough. However, enlightenment does pretty incredible things to broaden our awareness of reality and makes our brains capable of processing all this information without overwhelm. Enlightenment is more than just a figment of the mind and is quite physiological, changing and adapting our nervous systems.

I’ve written before about flash awareness that can take snapshots of fairly complex structures and instantly comprehend these. For me, this ability to process existence continues to open. Changes are still occurring and the transitions are so smooth, I barely notice. Growth is exponential after enlightenment.

In the meantime, here I am – describing an old habit of wanting to be different from what I actually was. It seems so odd now to even have that thought, let alone waking up – morning after morning – and trying to be something other than what I was. I don’t remember how that felt anymore, but I do recall how uncomfortable that was – what a way to live.

Artists talk about the vanishing point when they draw perspective drawings. Similarly, I see a possibility of convergence of all my lives – my expressions. Paradoxically, I will “vanish” when this occurs, remembered by some and completely forgotten by others.

Psalm 23 – Reflection

Psalm 23, to me, is an example of inspired spiritual writing that speaks from beyond the physical earth plane of existence and reminds us of our root source.

On the surface, the Psalm is about a human being praying to a separate God somewhere in the distance. However, I hear it as the essential insight that we are fundamental expressions of the Divine and, thus, supercede any earthly occurrence – such as “enemies,” or forces opposing our physical survival.

We lack nothing when viewing our lives from the perspective of the whole.

From King James version…

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

I have completely surrendered my life to the Divine. Now, I lack nothing and feel complete.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

It is the Divine living me, and not the other way around. The Divine will guides my every thought, word, and action. I have surrendered to this completely and feel uninterrupted peace (peace is itself a higher-plane template). I rest beyond the turbulent waters of the lower planes.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

By surrendering to the Divine completely, I am restored to correctly seeing my physical life as Divine expression in all its forms.

The name of the Divine is unspoken because we cannot speak it – it does not exist here and has only approximations on our plane. This name, or “word,” is the essence of creation.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Physical life inevitably ends in death. I do not fear death because I know death does not really separate me from my source. Evil is only perceived separation from the perspective of my physical existence, but I have since shifted my perspective.

True comfort is the Divine root I feel supporting my very being, moved by the Divine as It lives.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Amidst all the ups and downs of life, I am an expression of love and enjoy this feeling. I celebrate life, no matter how dire my situation may appear here.

The initial reminder, enlightenment to the reality that we are Divine at the root, comes in as a palpable feeling of something pouring in through the crown of the head and taking hold of the brainstem.

Ultimately, we transform into a mode of continuously shining and giving (“my cup runneth over”), while receiving everything that we are from our source. I am consciously aware of the true exchange on the higher planes of existence.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Now that I know my true nature and feel the Divine living me, I cannot unfeel This. I can never forget again.

I will live my physical life from this vantage point with full knowledge of my true home.

Inspired writing is ultimately felt and not analyzed by the mind. Who is it, truly, that feels inspiration?

Why Spiritual Writing Is Both Futile and Priceless

Spiritual language does not use words that can be understood in terms of daily living, but speaks the myriad blueprints that construct and influence our evolution.

Human beings primarily adjust their attitudes and behaviors based on what they can get from life, no matter how outwardly altruistic their actions appear. Spiritual writing does not speak of or prescribe how to control such a life. Instead, spiritual writing speaks of the spiritual world that aims to give, rather than to take. Such a giving and radiant world is only attained after transformation, and remains invisible to the rest until then.

The language of spiritual writing does not aim to convey ideas that will help everyone take for themselves the most comfortable and pleasant life, which is what people want – including pleasant beliefs about themselves. Thus, in a way, spiritual writing may be seen as largely useless to the majority and is guaranteed to be misinterpreted through the lenses of the ego. You can certainly want what you want, but you’ll get what you’ll get. Can wisdom be discerned in what appears incomprehensible or even off-base to an untrained observer?

A true spiritual text will not teach people how to take a seemingly negative situation and turn it to their individual advantage. Spiritual forces, to be understood, must be seen clearly from the level at which they operate – and they do not make sense to ego-trapped perspectives. So, why bother writing about spiritual worlds at all, which are completely foreign to daily affairs?

Simply put, spiritual writing from the transformed level serves as a bridge that invites humanity to yearn for nothing short of transforming out of the self-absorbed, egoic state. Invitation is a term that is used loosely here because it is not necessarily the vision of a cozy and lit cottage on a snowy mountain! The essence of the spiritual will is transmuted to words that singe the mind, which only aims to negotiate for wealth, sex, appetite, and the full cornucopia of the physical realm. Spirituality, in its purest form, inspires the yearning of the heart to such despair that one is satisfied with nothing less than transformation and alignment with the ever-radiant and giving Divine, also known as the Light (which is not the same as what comes out of a light bulb). Then, one receives from the Divine and simultaneously gives back to the whole.

We need to become these forces that do not revolve around individual attainment but provide the corrected, impersonal view of daily and universal “events.” Note that the impersonal is not cold or heartless, as it could be interpreted in everyday terms, but is passion and creation itself. Whether we know this or not, it is this impersonal and whole-oriented creative passion that is wanting in egocentric life.

Spiritual writing may irritate, cajole, and taunt limited perspectives to challenge what people hold most dear, which is likely to also be false. When spiritual texts are read from the perspective of the limited mind, they seem frustratingly incomprehensible.

Spiritual beings who have moved beyond the operations of the ego will also appear irritating and, likely, crazy, to a consciousness that believes it is mainly on the Earth to experience a smooth and comfortable life. The sleeping hearts are, as yet, unaware that all experience that does not prioritize complete letting go and alignment with the force that lives us will be ultimately found empty. The lower realms based on getting something from life are designed to show humanity the futility of seeking to control life because that is impossible. Why? So that we would want to evolve out of that stay and not remain trapped.

Every single being will eventually come to the understanding of the reality that nothing is separate from the great force that lives all of us. Until that point, handfuls at a time will rise out of the feeling that they are islands and into the continent of true existence.

A spiritual being will never pray for situations to take a certain turn to produce a desired outcome. A spiritual being will not negotiate with blind dysfunction and the lust for pleasure spripped of the Divine spark. Rather, the spiritual being will growl and strike when, from the human perspective, it would seem that subtlety would manipulate more effectively the desirable earth-bound results. Certainly, a being that behaves contrary to quiet manipulation that achieves specific ends may seem crazy to most.

It makes no difference that there is an apparent war of perspectives of the spiritual and the ego-bound. All will eventually arrive at the same place – a potentially long long time, in earthbound terms. Yet, each awakened being shares that awakening with the entirety of humanity because we are all intricately interwoven into one fabric of being. With each awakened individual, all are brought closer to a truth that will continue to evade everyday, descriptive language.

Catalytic spiritual writing is never about the happenings on the physical planes, but about the template-like counterparts in the higher planes. The writing is not intended to be understood and compounded as knowledge, but to raise humanity out of the illusion that the ego can see and know.

Spirituality makes no sense to the ego. However, it is only until an individual exhausts his or her pleading with life and lets go that evolution can progress. Secret texts are only secret because people have not yet sufficiently changed to understand them.

One truth that will fly in the face of most belief systems is that we have truly limited free will. We believe that we can change or create our circumstances, when – in reality – we can only control where we place our attention. Hardships will be borne as “punishment” until one rises above this plane of existence to see the larger picture of the mass return to the Divine embrace.

One thing we can control is the rate at which we awaken via our yearning and accepting the help of those who have awakened – one lifetime or more? I laugh at those who feel they have attained spiritual awareness on their own because such statements imply that individuals can evolve in isolation of the myriad forces – internal and external – pressing upon us. Those who make such claims (except for the few, rare, personified droplets directly of the Divine who emerge here at times) have not really transformed, but learned to mimic transformation. They are only fooling themselves. My laugh will sound crazy to most in such situations.

I have let go into the Divine and it lives me, not the other way around. I now answer to no individual. I am destined to walk a fine line of endearing and/or pissing off those in contact with me because I appear like a person but have ceased to be that for nearly a decade now. I couldn’t give a good goddam about accumulating, wielding power, or explaining to an ego-trapped soul why I move through life the way I do – and people do demand explanations and even accountability.

Most people I meet will not speak the same language as me or understand me. Why would I care? A being is a spiritual text and more, eventually.

Surprisingly, I’ve noticed that I endear more often than piss off these days. This wasn’t always the trend and I’ve since learned to tame and channel the fire. On some level, authenticity is even more powerful a pull than my lack of apparent respect for people’s need for “perfect” lives, which meet all their wants.

A life that is unfulfilled is empty of that which it truly wants. It is when you cease to live for yourself that you begin to live for all, whether most “get it” or not.

What Does It Mean to Be “Spiritually Advanced”

In spiritual networks, it is common to label someone as “advanced,” be it the teacher, another practitioner, or oneself. It is pretty common to see someone presenting themselves as spiritually advanced. But how many go further to clarify what being “advanced” really means?

“Spirituality” is a loaded term that is contextualized to philosophy and religion, and conjuring images of crystals, candles, 5 am meditation, yoga, tarot cards, organic foods, and chanting. Yet, it just so happens that true spirituality has no props and all the aforementioned objects and practices do not define spirituality.

A spiritual life is available to all and is independent of one’s background and belief systems. If this were not true, some of us would be somehow superior to others, and one life would be considered more valuable than another – how is that possible?

“Advanced” is a strange term to use with spirituality because it implies being above and even beyond. To the ego, which loves to compare everything and everyone using its meter stick, “advanced” means either “better than me” or “beneath me” (ego is fairly binary). Comparison for purposes of fortifying oneself is a game children play on the playground, picking teams consisting of those most like themselves.

Something more unified than the individual is living all of us and, like a light beaming through a prism, is refracting into a rainbow of colors as each of us. The reality is that we can transform our perception of and relationship to what lives us. We are a differentiation of the One living consciousness that is experiencing itself through its many facets. Do we know this? If so, to what degree?

Spiritual evolution is a matter of shifting one’s attention to identify more and more with the Life that lives us, rather that our bodies, emotions, minds, diseases, and other conditions. No one is faulty at the core. The shifts seem to follow a pattern with common milestones.

To identify with something means to know that you are That – not separate, not worshipping something outside of yourself (and not worshipping yourself either), and not striving toward or pulling in anything because you are That.

I understand an “advanced” state as being increasingly identified with the unifying principle while maintaining an individual expression of that principle. We can be unique without being separate.

Our bodies express our degree of identification with this unified Consciousness through verbal and nonverbal communication. Our bodies are also valuable instruments for accessing and integrating the countless aspects of the one consciousness by happily handing over any clinging to a separate self. The more we surrender ourselves to That, the less we believe we are something superior or extra special. Thus, one naturally becomes humbled by existence as one evolves, while simultaneously understanding more deeply the value of all life. This is not even close to the practice of comparing, labeling, or either celebrating our superiority or wallowing in our self-perceived low attainment.

People who don’t use “spiritual” terminology may very well have undergone a transformation where they have peeled off the layers of separation – perhaps even more so than those who deftly toss around Sanscrit terms. This fact is often overlooked by those looking for superficial markers of a spiritual life. Someone who did not read the Vedas may be closer to reconfiguring their perceptual mechanism.

Transformation, as the name implies, is a fundamental shift in how one experiences life and relates to its processes. Perception changes to the degree that one begins to invent words and imagery to describe what one lives because such concepts do not exist in spoken languages. True transformation is not imagination because the descriptions of the so-called sages (as far back as ancient times) actually match at various key milestones.

For example, I have read Buddhist texts about the Watcher after going through several transformations myself to identify with these successive layers of consciousness. The Watcher is a palpable presence that seems to be observing “you” thinking, speaking, and doing until you identify with that observer. Then, one finds yet another Watcher. Eventually, there are no more Watchers. How do I know? Because in the incomplete state, a Watcher is tangible – there is clearly someone watching and seems to be other than yourself. Mostly, people claiming to be aware of their “consciousness” are aware of one of such Watcher layers. Once you’ve felt one Watcher, the rest are more easily recognizable. Their absence is also very obvious, which happens as one goes futher in letting go into Life. The One Life lives us and breathes us, not the other way around.

Transformation is a fundamental change in the configuration of our multifaceted body, rather than a honing or refining of an existing configuration. To someone who has gone through the change, it is obvious who else has or has not.

An “advanced” being cannot prove to others anything – nor wants to. But such a being can easily see where others are in their evolution toward unification and reidentification. Most important, such a being will not casually make claims about his or her state, lightly choose to become a public figure, or even subtly put down anyone at whatever level of life.

I have run into a number of people claiming something about themselves when it is clear that they have not transformed but simply got their life on stable footing. Also, highly tuned intuition or access to certain nonphysical planes of existence are no indicators of how or whether that being identifies. If “advanced” means seeing auras or reading people’s minds, then we are talking about different types of evolution – many who have not freed themselves can develop these skills but still remain removed from absorption as the One Life.

I am not at all implying that any life stage is more valuable than another. We all have equally important parts to develop by living. We will all make different and valid contributions as our lives unfold.

Someone asked me once why bother evolving or transforming if we are all valuable. The answer is simple – those poised for change will do the work to change – this will feel like the whole point of their existence, while others will have no interest in doing so. In any case, change is just that – something different, and neither superior nor inferior.

If someone is poised for change – especially at the critical points of early transformations, a teacher may come and invite one to complete the process. The teacher is an accelerant for something that may take lifetimes to do by oneself. For someone who is on the cusp, why wait aeons when the opportunity presents to move faster? There may be good reasons.

A clear expression of oneself supercedes any transformed state. Many advanced beings were seen as faulty because they did not express themselves clearly. Maybe they presented themselves as greedy opportunists or just horny, and this detracted from their contribution to humanity.

“Advanced” beings, whether hidden or in public view, contribute many things most people will not recognize as contributions by a certain person – beyond their spiritual talks and pithy wisdom. As one transforms, certain acts of service go on automatic and cannot be not done. In simplest terms, such beings make a difference to multitudes simple by being. They do not care if anyone knows what they really do and who they are.

I am a regular Joe. A mom with a job and two kids. I will remain that until my death. Most people won’t see me as anything else and it doesn’t matter to me. While my intensity is evident, it will be just “intensity” to most observers, chalked up to my personality.

In the meantime, I work on healing and clarifying my own expression. I want no gaps between my authenticity and what I present in everyday life.

Be wary of those who put down the human race or talk about it like a plague – this is not “advanced” behavior. As one gets closer to unification of life, it is impossible to hate or resent it, even while regularly confronting any dysfunction in no uncertain terms. Asserting truth may be seen as anger, but it can be very different from anger – although the intensity may be easily confused with anger at first glance.

Unconditional love becomes not only fundamental, it is simply one’s natural state and has little to do with the sticky, clingy “love” in most couples. “Unconditional love,” despite being misunderstood, is a phrase that still brings hope to humanity and continues to function – for now.