I haven’t written much of late. Not because I’ve had nothing to say, but because I’ve had too much to say – incoherent, disorganized thoughts and feelings, bouncing around like fire flies in the dark. The light is relentless when it comes to healing. Once the light is in charge, it has the power to dislodge one completely from impacted existence and pave new roads at the same time as one walks.
I am at the part of my journey where a confluence of events with roots in trauma and drama have come to fruition. I’ve written many times that enlightenment is a beginning of putting together the unique puzzle that is our life and discarding useless ills and hurts barraging our subconscious. So much awareness building had already occurred.
For the past six months, I’ve been reliving childhood trauma that I mostly repressed. Officially, I have a diagnosis of CPTSD that has impacted my life even long after the trauma was over.
I thought I had a good handle on my past until I visited closely with my stuffed memories now coming to the surface daily. Last week, I cried for the first time in months – releasing and releasing pain, shame, images, and felling flashbacks. I forced myself to talk about what happened to me in detail. Something I never dared do. PTSD changes brain chemistry. CPTSD is more damaging as it is the result of prolongued trauma.
I used to think that isolating myself was undesirable. That’s what everyone says, anyway. Now I see the wisdom of distancing myself from everyone who can’t or won’t understand and, most importantly, accept. I’ve learned that only those in the same boat can row it in sync. Those who don’t know trauma can only intellectually grasp what it may mean.
Now, I see that isolation can be healing – a time to take care of myself and my children. I don’t have to explain anything to deaf ears or rationalize “why” to those who can’t grasp. But, I can give myself what I need to get through this at the pace I can handle.
For most of my life, I over-functioned. I did a lot of things. In some cases, made a lot of money. It’s only my 10th year after enlightenment, and I learned from my teacher that it takes about 10 years or so to clear the body-mind of debris. Well, here I am now, digging at the roots that bound me. It may take me longer given my beginnings.
It’s so obvious now how many moments I lived through the lens of flashbacks. It took me time to learn to distinguish flashbacks from in-the-moment responses. This was the most difficult breakthrough. After that, most events in my life fell into place. I understand myself better than ever. I understand why I have been gradually falling apart physically in the past 6 years – because I was trying to hold back the dam of trauma from engulfing my life, even as the pressure built.
During these months, dear friends reached out and extended help to me, which I never expected. It was an awakening for me that I was not really “on my own.” I do have people who love me sincerely. Even as my biological family is long gone, there are those who give of themselves and care.
I am grateful that the light cleared all people from my life who have and would continue to hold me back from moving forward. In some ways, it feels like starting from scratch. A new lens on life, free from cloudy vision, tends to turn everything on its head and signal a new beginning.
I’ve healed many things already – for me, there was a lot. I trust that I will heal this too, even if it does seem sometimes like the flashbacks – visual and emotional – will never go away. Once the brain chemistry kicks in, I can control reliving painful moments or watching them from the side (as if they were happening to someone else).
Enlightenment is just a reset button for identifying with only the Divine. The body-mind then has no choice but to align to that energy even it feels like being torn apart at the seams.
I keep being told that what happened to me was not my fault. I know it wasn’t. But it did leave me broken. When I was falling apart and reached out to the people closest to me, telling them that something was wrong and I was unraveling, they turned away from me.
I am OK with the fact that I was broken and damaged. It’s facts. I am OK that those closest to me didn’t hear my cries for help when I was drowning in the loops of reliving my experiences. But I think the worst is over. The purge that was needed is almost complete.
My teacher used to say that it’s important to heal before enlightenment, because after is very intense – the light just does what it does and not necessarily what we can handle. I drew the after straw. I am at the point where ecstacy and pain can coexist to eventually work themselves out.
I wrote this to say that perfection does not exist. Enlightenment is a process, just like the body-mind. Once the light is engaged, one must hand over life completely to it.